Text Messages Are Final Connection to Estranged Siblings
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | | Letter 1 of 2
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I are estranged. I live in a different state. My brother and I never got along and stopped speaking many years ago. My older sister and I, after a long, toxic relationship, finally had a blowout after Dad passed. We haven't spoken since. My younger sister took my older sister's side and doesn't speak to me either.
Advertisement
I have communicated briefly via text and email with all my siblings regarding my parents' trust and final matters. My sisters still insist on texting me birthday wishes. Because of this, I feel obligated to send them a birthday text as well. I stress out weeks before their birthdays because of it.
I felt peaceful after becoming estranged from my older sister. I have many feelings of resentment toward all my siblings for having taken advantage of my parents, especially this older sister. She lived with them rent-free for many years. She refused to get a job and wouldn't help out -- not even to clean their room when they were elderly. Doesn't estrangement include birthdays as well? Why do I feel this way? -- ESTRANGED 364 DAYS IN ARIZONA
DEAR ESTRANGED: There is such a thing as righteous indignation. It appears this is what you may feel toward your siblings. Whatever closeness there may have ever been seems to have evaporated many years before your parents' deaths. Family estrangement is defined as the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical or emotional distancing. This appears to accurately describe you and your siblings. If you prefer not to exchange birthday greetings, stop doing it. I suspect that once you quit responding and reciprocating, those greetings will cease.
Advertisement
Feelings of Guilt Persist After Friend's Suicide
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | | Letter 2 of 2
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, one of my best friends took her life. I'd known her since we were in our freshman year. We dated for nearly a year while still in school before deciding to break up and remain as friends. She was much closer to me than that, though. She was like a sister. I loved her so much.
Each year on the anniversary of her death, I go somewhere new, someplace she would have wanted to see had she lived. I know nothing I could have done would have stopped her. I understand that. But Abby, how do I stop feeling like I could have done more? I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I just want to remember her. I just want to love her. -- HER 'SISTER' IN MICHIGAN
DEAR 'SISTER': Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear friend. The feelings you are having after her death -- regardless of the circumstances -- are normal. Did we do enough? Could we have done more? Is it all right to go on with our life? The term for this is survivor guilt. A way to better cope with these feelings about her loss might be to join a grief support group or talk them through with a licensed therapist.
Advertisement
Anger Roiling Beneath the Surface Threatens To Erupt
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | | Letter 1 of 2
DEAR ABBY: I have anger issues that were passed down among the men in my family. My mother is a strong woman and wouldn't let my father get away with too much, but still, the impact is there. As a young adult, I realize I am exhibiting some of the same behavior as my dad.
I've never raised a hand to anyone. I can hang onto my cool when arguing with my girlfriend. I usually ask her calmly to lower her voice and change her tone. When she gets animated, I feel bottled up. I would never forgive myself if I did something I regret. I want to raise children and be a devoted father and husband. I envision myself as a strong, dependable person within my family and friend circle. Please give me some tips on keeping angry outbursts in check. Thank you. -- JOSEPH IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR JOSEPH: You are an intelligent and insightful young man, and for that I congratulate you. You didn't mention what causes the arguments with your girlfriend. Recognizing the cause of the flare-ups can prevent them from erupting. Saying, "We both feel strongly about this. Can we discuss it another time?" and going for a walk can help regain a calmer perspective.
Your father's outbursts are another matter. He could be someone who takes out his frustrations on innocent people around him. While anger is something everyone experiences at one time or another, most people learn to control it during childhood. Clearly your father didn't. The excuse that it "runs in the family" is unacceptable. Threats of violence are intimidating. Acting on them is against the law.
My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" contains suggestions for managing and constructively channeling anger in various situations. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
We are living in a time when the level of anger in our society has reached new heights. As we have seen all too often in the media, explosive anger is the most dangerous of all. I have mentioned before that perhaps dispute resolution and anger management should be taught in schools to help people more effectively communicate in a healthy manner.
Husband Recognizes Own Behavior Is Alarming
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | | Letter 2 of 2
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for 10 years. She is the first and only woman I have ever been with. I continue finding myself looking at porn, talking online to other women and asking them for pictures. I don't know why I do this, and I don't want to continue down this road. What would be a first step to take to show my wife I'm serious about kicking this big problem to the curb? -- SEES A PROBLEM IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR 'SEES': A strong step in the right direction would be to tell your wife you recognize your online activities have gotten out of control and start talking about them with a licensed psychotherapist. There are also 12-step groups you can find online to help you kick the habit. I congratulate you for having taken the first step by writing to me.
Advertisement
Open Relationships Often Come With Hidden Costs
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | | Letter 1 of 2
DEAR ABBY: I am a mental health therapist, and one of my favorite things to do is to read about people's experiences. Part of that is reading advice columns such as yours. More than once, a person has written about being a part of an open relationship (I'm talking about consensual situations). Your negative bias and judgment always come through in a way that makes me think you are not really giving the best feedback.
Overall, I prefer monogamous one-on-one relationships. Granted, I know life can be complicated, and what happens between two or three (or more) consulting adults is not something to sneer at. I suggest you reflect on your bias and judgment for people who live differently than you.
Of course, sometimes I read about people who are rude and clueless, and you put them in their place. However, these situations -- open relationships -- I think are really outside your comfort zone to be preaching about. Do more research and grow more compassion, please, Abby. -- MORE OPEN-MINDED IN ARIZONA
DEAR OPEN-MINDED: You are correct. I do have a bias against open relationships. I do not, however, lack compassion. I feel the way I do because I have seen and learned from readers that these relationships are often not as "free-willed" as some would like to think. Sometimes the recessive partner feels coerced by the dominant one. I have also heard from those who tried it and ended up losing their spouse. While some open relationships are successful, the people I hear from are usually the ones who are hurting, which has also influenced my feelings on this subject.
Rent Fluctuates With Unfinished Remodel Timeline
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | | Letter 2 of 2
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I rent half of my sister and brother-in-law's house. They live in the front part; we live in the back. We have our own separate kitchen and bathroom, though we must go outside and around the corner and then reenter to use it.
We went on vacation for a month. While we were gone, my brother-in-law was supposed to remodel our kitchen and bathroom and be done by the time we got back. Four months later, nothing is ready to use. They told us we could use their kitchen and dedicated one of the inside bathrooms for us. Using their kitchen never worked for us, and my wife is always uncomfortable going into their part of the house.
Because of the inconvenience, my brother-in-law reduced our rent by half, and we were good with this. We mostly communicate by texting. He now claims he will be done next month, but I'm not so sure. Regardless, he now wants to raise our rent to approximately 75% of the "usual" instead of half. What do you think of this? -- INCONVENIENCED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR INCONVENIENCED: I think that, because your brother-in-law is unreliable, you should pay the increase in rent upon completion of the promised remodel and not before.
Next up: More trusted advice from...
- At Home With Felix
- The Car Wash Dress
- A Little Stuck
- Toy Around
- A Clean Getaway
- Patio Appeal
- Grandfather Threatens to Cut Addict Granddaughter Out of Will
- Gap Year Proves a Tough Sell
- New Stepmother's History of Cheating Worries Family
Advertisement